I know the answer: It is one of the saddest events you could possibly experience. You don't want to talk about it and remember those terrible emotions. Plus as guys, we're in the passenger seat of one of the saddest and most helpless experiences you could face, and that's terrifying. This isn't something that we can fix, so we need to be strong for our wives! However, in the attempt to be strong we can miss our opportunity to grieve, which is a missed opportunity to grow closer to God.
Right before last Thanksgiving, my wife and I went through the saddest time of our young marriage, and one of the saddest times of our individual lives. We sat in the ER and found out that the new soul Karleen was carrying was no more.
When we got the news I went immediately numb.
What do you say? What do you do? What can you do? "My brain is telling me everything is bad! Everything is wrong! Fix it!" I felt so broken and helpless at that moment in time. I am the protector, the problem fixer, the rock, and in that moment I was lost. I did all I could think to do right then: hold my wife and tell her that I love her.
When we came home I was in a haze. We sat in silence for awhile and I asked if she wanted me to pray and she said yes. Looking back on it, it was probably the first time we prayed together in private. I cried the hardest I had cried since I knew better not to cry. I was no longer numb and laying our prayer at the feet of God and putting our trust in Him allowed me to be vulnerable.
I feel like Karleen and I grew much closer to each other as a couple, and also much closer as a couple to God. I feel like we grew closer to others as well. We had told some family and friends that we were pregnant and I thought that it would suck so much to tell those people we lost the baby (it did), but there was something therapeutic about sharing our sadness with our closest friends and family. The more people I told, the more I heard of others who experienced the same thing. It's still terribly sad, but now we have a support system and more than our fair share of love.
My wife is incredibly strong and an amazing woman of God and when we got done crying for a little bit she said: "It feels so weird, I am extremely sad but I know everything is going to be ok." I am not naïve to think that everything is a-ok, but I do know that out of valleys come mountains, and by God's grace and strength we will carry on. We don't understand why it happened but we do know we can trust in God. And that is comforting.
This brings me to the rant part of the post. As a result of this terrible event, we had to visit the ER three times. Twice because of how bad my wife was feeling (spared the details) and then a third was a result of passing out after giving blood in the hospital. These were emergency situations, hence the reason we went to the Emergency Room. Well it turns out the insurance company thinks otherwise. So in addition to the sadness of losing our baby we are now paying more for the loss than we would have if we had had the baby. How indescribably broken is our health system that we now have to determine what is an emergency and what is not, based on whether or not we can afford to go to the ER? Should we not pay anything? No that's dumb, should I have to pay $80 for them to hook up the finger pulse reader to Karleen's finger? Absolutely not! I had a watch that counts to 60 seconds and I can count above 100.
I am thankful God has provided me with a wonderful wife and I am thankful that we grew together, despite the great sadness that we experienced. I would much rather have had that growth experience not going through this event but God knows the path, so praise God!
